chasing that coronavirus dolla

coronavirus = clicks, clicks = money, what do you mean everybody else is talking about it already, what do you mean i'm only exacerbating a pre-existing public health crisis by riding on its coattails to promote my own stupid irrelevant shit, this is _capitalism_ boy

the new thing is that to make sure everybody washes their hands for at least 20 seconds so as not to get the DEATH PLAGUE (it's the flu, ok?  it's not the DEATH PLAGUE), you need a melody to hum that lasts at least 20 seconds, maybe it's that viral vietnamese song that spreads faster than the coronavirus (the other thing that spreads faster than coronavirus?  panic) or maybe it's not

i am here to help!  To: saving human race from total extinction - no charge.

 here are some songs in my extensive "library" (because "big messy pile" was not the nomenclature Apple chose to adopt) that last 20 seconds.  make sure you sing them in their entirety, including the trailing digital silence at the end.  here are my reviews on their appropriateness.

euros childs - gingerhead house explosion #1 (Gingerhead House Explosion, 2019): I rate this one tops!  Those of you who know Euros from his work with Gorky's Zygotic Mynci will be well familiar with his compellingly tuneful if sometimes sparingly employed gift of songcraft.  Like no sarcasm I've listened to this one twice and have it committed to memory and am probably going to try this next time I wash my hands.  I think the record is available for download on his website.  Anyway full marks!

BBC Radiophonic Workshop - Radio Stoke-on-Trent (1) (A Retrospective, 2008): It's a sprightly enough jingle, but frankly it's not very hummable, and nobody wants to sound like a merry-go-round spun off its axis when they're in the loo.  Sing "Gingerhead House Explosion" in mixed company and people will think you are perhaps slightly barmy but not dangerously so, which conveniently enough is what people think of me anyway.  Try to hum this in the washroom and people might think you are going through a serious medical crisis.

Nick Didkovsky - Monkey and Determination ($100 Guitar Project, 2013): The good news is playing this on the guitar will only cost you $100 dollars.  The bad news is that if you're like me, you don't even have one of those, and unless you're super impressed with restroom acoustics you are unlikely to take it with you to piddle.  Also, while this solo is fairly catchy trying to sing it is likely to come out sounding like the Ramayana Monkey Chant (possibly the title is a nod to this or possibly Didkovsky just likes monkeys).  I'm a white lady, where I live doing that will get me accused of cultural appropriation.

Ebu Gogo - Fast Man/Hero Person (Chase Scenes 1-14, 2007): Catchy enough, but it loses something without the bass part accompanying it.   Recommended if you are a member of a well-rehearsed barbershop quartet.  Otherwise, pass.

The Scruffs - Afterlife (Angst: The Early Recordings, 1997): This is extremely catchy, as befitting power pop powerhouses The Scruffs, but it is also kind of a downer?  Minor-key, kind of dissonant guitar, sad lyrics.  Great song, but if at all possible avoid singing a dirge while washing your hands.

Yasuaki Fujita - Dr. Wily Stage Map (Mega Man 3 Soundtrack, 1990): This is a fantastic and majorly hummable tune that suffers from two serious problems.  First, it's not quite as catchy as the Mega Man 2 Dr. Wily Stage Map tune, which is only ten seconds and therefore will put you at serious risk of coronavirus exposure.  Second, the whole tune doesn't actually play out when playing the game, which again, significantly heightens your risk.  If you are still super up for it, give it a shot, but I'm not comfortable with that level of risk personally.

Secret Chiefs 3 - Nova IHVH (Book of Souls: Folio A, 2013): OK this is just a logo jingle with thrash metal drumming.  I can't fucking hum this.  Pass.

Girolamo Frescobaldi - Kirie (Gregoriano) (Fiori Musicali, 1635): An excellent classic choice.  Frescobaldi was one of the progenitors of "strict counterpoint", and influenced all who came after him, such as J.S. Bach.  Plus, it is an unaccompanied vocal fragment, and hence doesn't need to be arranged further from its original setting.  The problem here is that the recording I have, at least, of the Fiori Musicali contains nine separate Gregorian settings of the Kyrie, which range in length from 13 to 36 seconds.  And they're all textbook (literally) examples of the form, and they all have the same bloody lyrics!  Unless you can be sure that you're singing the right setting, I would pass on this.

I hope these suggestions have proved useful in your desperate, panicked handwashing.  Please remember to wash your hands with soap and warm water, but if possible avoid obsessively scrubbing your skin with a wire brush.  This will not help.