Episode II: The Phantom Menace (rough notes)

Sort of sketching out this scenario a little more.

We start with the standard opening, the Williams theme... the "a long time ago" intro...

STAR WARS

EPISODE II: THE PHANTOM MENACE

I don't think this story really needs a whole trilogy to tell and I like the idea of keeping some narrative gaps open so that JJ Abrams or some other hack can come in and try and retcon everything in this movie out.

The opening crawl text can mostly be whatever bullshit Lucas put in his opening "Phantom Menace" crawl.  The main thing is that it should be some labyrinthine geopolitical bafflegab that has nothing whatsoever to do with any of the characters or events in the film.

From there we get one of those improbable CGI zooms, starting with an exciting and incoherent space battle and gradually zooming in to show a land battle on the surface of an alien planet.  Somebody else can figure out all the details of what planet it is.  All I really care here is that the inhabitants look like earth people.  This is important because a lot of them are going to be wantonly killed in the battle and I want the audience to feel as uneasy about this as possible.  Hell, make them racially diverse on top of it.  You do space battles and you have an alien race where everyone is one skin color, and for this battle anything that gives the impression that the people being killed are part of a thriving and diverse civilization with lives of their own instead of set dressing is to be welcomed.

So what we're going to see is a battle between a bunch of Jedi who look like we expect Jedi to look on one side, and on the other side "Darth Vader" and "Darth Maul" and a bunch of scary intimidating looking armored dudes with lightsabers.  However, the only people who actually get killed or hurt in this battle are the aforementioned natives of the planet the two sides are fighting over.  At one point "Darth Maul" very nearly kills a pretty young woman and "Darth Vader" saves her life, admonishing "Maul" to be more careful.   He doesn't seen to mind when "Maul" kills people who aren't pretty young women.

Eventually "Vader", who appears exactly as Darth Vader in the classic trilogy does and speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones, but lacks the respiratory issues of classic trilogy Vader, gets into a fight with a young Jedi woman, pretty much a Rey type because when you're doing subversion you don't really need to come up with genuinely original characters.  This is Elana (short "a"s), the padawan of Yoda.

Anyway it's a great fight but "Vader" definitely gets the better of her.  He, in fact, has her defeated and has his lightsaber to her throat (never mind this isn't a practical way for lightsaber fights to work, that sort of shit has never mattered before)....

...when there's a loud announcement from the Jedi Council ordering the fighting to cease immediately, as target has been achieved.  "Vader" - Anakin Skywalker - steps back.  Anakin and Elana respectfully exchange the standard "May the force be with you"s.  Vader walks away.

Elana is genuinely shaken - she has nearly been killed and knows it.  One of the male Jedi next to her decides this is the perfect time for some "friendly" ribbing.

"Boy, you really lucked out there, eh, Elana?"

Elana tries to shrug it off.  "The Force works in mysterious ways."

The Jedi next to her isn't buying it.  "Lucky.  The--"

He is interrupted by the howl of a Wookiee.  "Will you tell your furball to shut up?"

Elana instead listens to the Wookiee - this is Ichi (Ichigo), her porter.  They are companions of the Jedi in battle.  They are not armed.  Many of them were killed in the preceding battle as well.

ELANA: "What is it, Ichi?"

Ichi yowls again and points.  There is a human holding an IED.  Reflexively, Elana picks up her blaster from her side and shoots the man in the head, killing him.

The Jedi next to her is blithely oblivious.  "I don't know how you can understand that barking..."

ELANA: "It's a good thing one of us did or we'd all be dead right now.  Thank you, Ichi."

SCENE: INTERIOR STARSHIP

Young General Obi-Wan Kenobi (who looks and acts the way Ewan McGregor did in Lucas' films) is receiving SENATOR VANCE LONG, who looks and dresses the way a United States Senator of the late 20th century might look.  White.  Expensive tailored suit.  Fancy cufflinks.  He will look odd and out of place, somewhat like the newspaper photo of President Nixon posing with Robocop.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER enters the room while they are talking.

SENATOR LONG: "Congratulations on your victory, General Kenobi.  If you don't mind could we take some pictures to commemorate the event?"

KENOBI: "I'm not the hero you're looking for, Senator Long.  The real heroes are the brave men on the front lines, like my padawan, Anakin."

SENATOR LONG: "Ah, the old Jedi Mind Trick.  Very well, General.  Anakin.  Congratulations.  We owe our freedom and peace to the selfless sacrifice of men such as yourself."

ANAKIN bristles at the Senator's insincere praise.  "Let's get this over with, Senator."

The press photograph the two of them, Long smiling, Anakin of course expressionless.  SENATOR LONG speaks to General Kenobi through the side of his mouth: "I can see why Anakin is still a Padawan.  Good luck with this one."

Cut to a separate starship.  YODA is being photographed with SENATOR JEFF MIRAMAN.  Also an older white man, but in contrast to Senator Long, Senator Miraman is wearing Jedi robes.  It's an affectation - he hasn't served in combat for a long time - but he's proud of his service and plays it up to gain the support of his constituency.

"Congratulations, Yoda.  I am told that Darth Plagueis will not trouble the galaxy any longer.

YODA: "Yes, this I have been told as well."

SENATOR MIRAMAN: "It is unfortunate that it should happen under such inauspicious circumstances.  I am told the Orthodox Jedi are already claiming credit for a victory that clearly belongs to us."

YODA: "Concern myself with this I can not.  More than faction the Jedi are."

SENATOR MIRAMAN: "Yes, very noble.  It is unfortunate your former padawan Obi-Wan does not see it this way."

YODA: "A great sadness in my heart is Obi-Wan's path.  But serves he still the side of the light."

SENATOR MIRAMAN: "I am glad that you have a padawan of Elana's caliber as his successor."

SCENE: ORTHODOX STARSHIP, INTERIOR

Senator Long leaves the room, and Anakin finally removes his helmet.  He is around 60 years old, fit, white.

ANAKIN: "Coward."

KENOBI: "I had no wish to be photographed with that man."

ANAKIN: "So you threw me to the Rancor."

KENOBI: "It's fine for you.  They can't even see your face."

ANAKIN: "Master, did Darth Plagueis even exist?"

KENOBI: "We must believe what the Jedi Council tells us.  They know things we are not privy to."

ANAKIN: "They say the Sith are strong, and yet they say there are two of them, and there are thousands of us."

KENOBI: "The Sith are uncanny in their knowledge."

ANAKIN: "And every operation, we kill the servant of Darth Sidious.  Sidious himself always remains at large, never seen, never heard from.  How long do we fight this endless war against a phantom menace?"

KENOBI: "Until the forces of the Dark Side are defeated."